I FORGIVE YOU.
I always have and always will forgive you. I sometimes wonder if you can forgive yourself for the horrible things you did and said to me. Is it even in your nature, now that I know what you really are?
It was bittersweet to hear from you after all this time. However, the fake version of a new threat against me in addition to yet another lie put into words in an email that I knew already you meant no truth in really only made me see you more like a coward than the man I once knew you as. God, you were so beautiful, the way I once viewed you. A hero, The love of my life. The dream finally there in front of me, holding me and kissing me. I think somewhere in you, some part of you really wanted to love me the way you said you did...but being the type of monster you are, you don't have the ability to know real love, or show it. I do know you felt something real with me though...that is the only truth I ever needed.
I don't care now, if or when I hear from you again...I know I loved you. I know my love was true, it never faltered against you.
When I write you during the holidays, it's because I miss you then ... not because I would want you back, but because I loved you so much and your loss haunts me.
But I thank you. I thank you because I loved loving you, when you were a good man, those rare moments where you did the right things by me and were sweet and loving and kind. I do not regret the love I had for you and believed you had for me too. I regret my part in our demise...but I know you will never be able to accept the faults you had in our loss. You were by no means innocent. You lied SO MUCH, and so often, I don't think you ever knew the truth from the lie after a while...
BUT I KNOW, in the only way you could, you did love me too. So I thank you and love you and forgive you.
No regrets.
I have moved on without you, and without hope of you.
You can't get a reaction out me like you used to, in order to have a power trip or prove me to be some kind of loon...because I never was, you triggered pain and abuse and emotional trauma, because that is what people with the same affliction as you have, do. That is all you know. I feel sorry for you actually because you have no idea of the loss you actually broke in yourself.
You did not destroy me as I thought you once had...You only gave me caution as a gift and a lesson in extreme loss, but you also gave me dreams and hope and strength and goals. You did not defeat me and crush me as you tried so hard to do.
So hearing from you after such a long time, did nothing. You are no more on my mind now as you are on most days. Nothing changed this time. You were just a response on the other end of an email, and a rude message on another forum. But you are the foolish one, not I, because I never lost anything when you left. I have learned that I never had you to lose, so therefore, I only gained a lesson...and a moment in time with memories of a man I thought the world of. So I won. Thank you for those moments together where laughter and excitement were full and overflowing. Where making love was beautiful and sensual and for all the ways you made my heart smile.
I forgive you.
No comments:
Post a Comment