Clean slate

So, yesterday, I  decided to delete half my old blogs, because the negativity in them was bringing me down. I have had a renewed sense of awesomeness in the past few months, and a longing for the power I once possessed to overcome everything.

Now , I  would love to attest that my new found happiness came from deep inside, or from some other worldly source which has empowered me again. Or I  could assign the happiness to events that have occurred over the last two months leading up to this post. I could say that I feel stronger since I conquered #Cancer for Christmas. Or I could say it's the power of feeling desired and wanted by someone special that had put me in this place...but all of these would be lies.

Yes, recently, I have felt desired for...by many, actually...which has thrown me off a bit. There is one though that takes the cake, and I  am fairly sure he knows it ... however, as with all things, and people, they can disappear just as fast as they show up. . .nothing is ever for certain, so, though that mister makes my heart flip, it normally is too good to be true...so my defenses stay up...too much history blocking the view. What will be, will be...I can only hope for the best where this part is concerned.

Yes, I could give credit to the excitement of knowing I will live a happy healthy life again, thanks to my bad ass doctors...and the life changes I have made over the last few years.

Yes, I could also give credit to that magical force out in Xanadu that still teaches me to believe in magic.

In fact, I could give a little accent of entitlement to all the things and people that have made my life a little more unique lately,  but the real power has come from a memory.

A favorite moment in time. Before the world made me cynical. Before the ups and downs of life changed me from believing in possibilities and turned me into someone so unsure that I request validation in all I do.  A moment where, just for a second, I remembered who I was when I looked in the mirror.

That realization has been very powerful . Though I want that feeling of being desired by the one I adore, (if he will ever start talking..lol) or the feeling that something amazing surrounds me daily, or the decision to try to do things right this time around...it was a single moment in time that made me stop and think.

Can a memory of something so far away, really clean the slate and make the world brand new again?

So, on this day, for this moment, I will be dedicating this blog post to one of my oldest, and dearest friends...my Philosophy king, my Phil. . .and a ride down a rocky mountain pass in a Miata with no brakes,  jamming to classic rock, the top down, and the freedom of being able to be me, with no expectations of anything less than awesomeness in its most golden form.

For my New Year Resolution ... this year, I will remember ME, and become that free bird, wild child I always was. I have more love in me for the ones I love than any other person I know. I have more determination than most, and I am a smart fox ... so I can find me again. As they sing In La Cage ... " I just need to put a little more mascara on!"

Cheers to 2019!!! Cheers to a clean slate! Life number 8, chapter  number 29, here I come!!!