The Day The World Fell Down 9/2019

On the 31st of August, 2019, I picked my mother up to go run errands for the very last time. The day was stressful and dull and started out uneventful. We went to her bank, and then to Walmart, we argued some over money, because I hadn't gotten paid yet and she was needing extra cash to fix her landlords garage. A garage she had just days before backed into after she and I had gone to the grocery store. I regret being upset with my mother that day, I was annoyed by my bills and relationship issues. It just goes to show you should never take people for granted. Because they really can be gone in an instant. 
There was nothing particularly different about that day, it was a hot 111 degrees in Las Vegas but it was a pretty day out overall. My mom had not been feeling well and had been getting lots of headaches and was, now in reflection, having several minor strokes which ultimately came to a head this bland and nothing day. 
I dropped my mother off at her place around 2 pm, she was renting a room from a harsh overbearing older lady. She had two other roommates in the house, everyone there was seniors.
I got my mom home and waited to make sure she got inside the door safely as I always did, and  I drove back my house. 
I unloaded my car of a few items I had purchased for my kiddos and me to have for dinner and went about my day. I had hoped that my boyfriend would maybe stop by for a visit, our relationship was becoming very strained by his time constraints and I didn't trust he was telling me the truth any longer, so as I often do, I texted too much and probably said too much. He was even more overwhelmed and he did not visit. 

That night I took the only pill I am allowed to take via my doctors, I took an anxiety pill that helps me fall asleep as well as a few chocolate melatonin you can buy at places like Wholefoods and Sprouts. So I started to go to bed, my mind was still reeling from my stressful day and my heart was still sad over my boyfriend, but I finally passed out. 
At 9:04 pm I received a phone call that was to be the catalyst for the rest of my September.
Eve, my mom's acquaintance, called and said she had just come to see my mother and that something was horribly wrong. My mom was unresponsive and unable to move. I told to hang up and call 911 ASAP, that my mom was having a stroke. 

That morning was to be the last morning I ever heard my mothers voice or got a hug from her. I wish I had superpowers so that I could have known and maybe stayed with her so I would have been there to save her in time. But that isn't how life normally works out. I could not drive because of my medicine, so I was stuck waiting to hear news from the hospital. 
At 11:32pm The hospital called and told me my mother had a severe, catastrophic stroke, and that a large portion of her brain had died, They needed my permission to go into surgery to try to save her life and remove the clot from her brain. She made it through the surgery and went to ICU. She only had 4 days there, then was moved to the MCU, for constant care. 
My brother flew into town, and we talked for the 1st time in 6 years. It was actually really nice, it didn't last, but it was nice to have someone here, and he really needed to make amends with our mom too.

My mother had two okay days, where she could interact with us, and nod yes or no to questions posed to her. Her right side was almost entirely paralyzed and she would never talk again or eat food again. She was very sad and in pain and confused.
While my brother was out of the room, I leaned in and asked my mother the hardest question one can ask..." momma, do you want us to take you off everything and just let you die, so you can be with your huband?"  I already knew the answer because my whole life I have always been the closest to my mother out of all the children in our brood.

She looked at me with completely understanding and nodded yes. That was to be the last time my mom was interactive with us. She slept the next 3 days at the MCU and then the doctors and care staff came to the room to discuss our options for longterm life support or hospice. My mother wanted hospice, and she was a shell of the women she had been. No longer fiesty or mouthy or asking a million questions that used to annoy me, but are now something I miss terribly.

That afternoon she was transported to the Hospice, where my brother and I would spend time by her bed, trying to give her something to hold onto while she was still with us. slowly the rest of her body started to shut down, and on 9/11/2019, the worst day for many Americans, including myself, my mother fell asleep for the last time. She was being held by my brother when she passed, so she was not alone. Which was the least we could give her.
My brother and I cried and tried to let it sink in that she was gone, it was better that way for her than the life she would have had to live, but when it's your parents, its a tough call, and a painful one.

I saw my mother twice after that. They let us see her the day she was brought to the funeral home, they had cleaned her up nicely and she looked peaceful. and then I had to see her one more time,
 the day before they took her to be Aquamated, which is a new form of cremation. Her body was cold and her skin waxy, as is the case with corpses. I had studied Forensics and Mortuary Science and had even worked in a few hospitals along my lifeline, so I was not scared of death. 

Death sat calmly by my side that afternoon, while I held my mom's hand once more just so I could make sure to remember every wrinkle and age spot on her hand. I leaned down and kissed her forehead and told her I hoped that Kim met her on the other side, and she was finally with her mother too. My mom had not had an easy life, so I had hope for a moment in an afterlife, because she deserved to have that peace finally. I sat on a chair in the room and cried so hard my chest hurt. I finally stood up, said goodbye, and walked out the door. 

_____________________________________________________________________________


Last year My family and I made it through my Cancer, my brain surgery, being completely homeless and during that time, we may have been closer than ever. We had no choice but to be. My health ordeals made me very aware of telling those around me that I loved them, very often and sometimes so much it ould be annoying. But I made sure to say it as much as I could. Because you get different eyes when your handed a possible death curse. 

I can say I am happy I had told my mother I loved her that last day out with her. we had argued, but no worse than we normally did as mother and daughter. But we still said I love you at the end.

My story here is no different than thousands of peoples every day, but the lesson should stand true...no matter the bridges crossed or the ones burnt along the way, one should always remember those that shaped you as you grew in life, good and bad, and one should NEVER, EVER, FORGET TO SAY I LOVE YOU...just in case.


To my momma, my hero, my confidant, my obnoxious reminder of my imperfections and the one person that was always there, no matter what, even when it was hard to be with her. You were a good mom, and I love you. I miss you very much now. But you are in everything I do and are part of all my memories. So thank you,
 momma. 

Homeless stories that weren't so bad PART 1

THE 1ST DAYS WERE THE WORST, AND THEN THE STORM CAME. I decided to show this blog straight out of my journal, my writing says it all, my stress and pain at the time is shown in a way that can't be described.

SORRY ABOUT THE HAND WRITING! Work through it, I DID! Please remember, I was also going through Cancer treatments during this time.

Completion, means you.

{Wet stone caressed by sunset, circled by azure waters with ocean glass sprinkles. Those are your eyes. A smile that can make time stop. I have no way to describe you. There are no words that do you justice. You are so beautiful to me.} 




I feel weak at the sight of you, yet you bring out a fight in me so strong, like a powerful storm roaring along the valley.
My soul dances in your eyes, I long to tiptoe through the liquid blue perfection, and your smile grows wider when I come into your view.
You make me feel complete.
Then to touch you, the sensations speak to my heart, with each touch, I bring you closer into me.
To lean in and caress your smokey velvet lips, to feel the tickle of your soft facial hair as you pull me closer to you and kiss me hard and full in return. 
You inspire me, my muse on rainy days. How stunning you are when sunbeams gentle enhance the natural highlights in your hair.
You are magic for my senses. My safety when I'm scared. My reassurance when I'm nervous. My Ecstacy when I'm in your arms.
It's so easy to lose myself in all that is you. I love finding myself where you are. Myself there with you, entwined in my hopes of a life with you. Folded so completely in your arms, warm in the volcanic heat that is our passion.
You are my completion. 
I become whole, from what was fragmented, just by your touch. 
Our stolen moments which have created our beginnings. I hope for what we have in store. I want to be your completion too. 

There was magic in the Arena that night.

               Azure ambiance cascading from the rigging and along the edging of the stage sets the scene. The soft roar of chatter throughout the packed arena from fans of every generation, from 6 years old to 94. A single measure of music and one strum of a guitar, and the crowd erupts, and into the darkness, the arena falls. Bright lights and colors fill the rafters, lasers and technicolor become the dream that will last for hours here in the arena, but for those that witnessed it, forever.
                The spotlights zero in on a living legend, and the lovers in the audience begin to dance and hold one another. Not a single person stayed in their seats when he began to sing. Not one. I helped a woman in a wheelchair, stand herself up, just for a moment, so she too, could giving him a standing welcome. A career that has lasted decades, and helped shape music and musicians alike, needed no introduction. Every song he sang, was an invite for the festival goers to sing along. They knew the words by heart, and you could see the joy in his eyes and that of his band when they would fall silent and the crowd would give back to them.
                 He took them on a *Magical Mystery Tour and asked them to *Dance All Night. He gave them history, and his own history. He gave them peace and things to think about when they'd leave. He invited the hoards of people to take in the dream that he and his friends began so long ago. He gifted them music to sing as they walked out the door when it was all over. He rewards us all with Love. He was joined by other rock legends and sang songs that everyone couldn't resist. Ladies still fainted for him, and fans still asked inappropriate questions to him on signs and banners, which he delighted in. There was magic in the arena that night.
                 

                  In the days and hours leading up to the show, the arena would be transformed into the setting that would become his expression of that love for all those that joined him each night he stayed. The stagehands, and arena staff, the roadies and the tour staff all in an alliance to create his masterpiece. The halls would fill with the smell of sage and lemongrass, and fresh vegetables being grilled and set for those that were working to feast on. Mojo curtains and thank you notes from fans being hung in talent rooms and open doors for the band to enter freely through.
                  Everyone was kind. Everyone was inquisitive. They gave thanks to each other in the hallways and corridors. For three days, those of us working at the arena was not working for a client, we were working with friends that we just met. The band would pat our shoulders and Paul would even say good afternoon or good evening as he passed us on his trek from start to finish. Somehow, in all his time with us, he was able to keep a bit of himself and stay humble enough to give thanks back to those that helped to give to everyone else.
                   The mutual respect given by all parties made for a delightful experience and I hope that everyone gets the chance to feel what that's like someday. He is a Rock God, by all standards, but he was a simple man, blowing a kiss to his wife in the back of the audience at the same time. There is nothing like seeing a living legend in action. There was magic in the arena in all those days.

LOVE LIKE NO OTHER BEFORE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ks1EGMlr9V0

When it is there, you know it is. There is nothing like it. This is short and sweet, The poem attached from youtube, by Mary Lambert, said it all. 

Inspirations of Monterey California

Day1 and 2:
The Pacific briskly kisses my feet as I walk along the shore excited about what this day will bring. I look forward to the laughter of the gulls, the playful sea otters and the boisterous yellings of the wild and wise sea lions. I have been told to wear my wetsuit and full gear because these waters are cold and do have sharks, whales, and dolphins. The things that would have been, and will be eventually next time. I've always wondered why they make wet suits all black, if they were stripped, sharks would never attack people...sharks don't like striped things...fun knowledge, sharks hate sea snakes. (TRY SAYING THAT SUPER FAST: Sharks hate sea snakes)

The seaside air smells of coffee, cedar fireplaces, and ocean breeze. The scent of seaweed and fish linger along the wharf and cannery row. The homeless folks of the town gather in their morning place with hopes of coffee and beer from the tourists as they pass by. Still a smile on their face for their comrades along the barrack side of the old customs museum house. No worries in this little seaside town. It's calm and beautiful, even when it's raining.

I'm sitting on the wharf at a small tea shop, drinking in the lavender sage tea homegrown here on California's coastline. The sensation of natural honey and herbs fill the air and my tongue and nostrils with every taste and breath in. The water runs softly with a calming ripple along with the inner core of the beachline, gently caressing the shore and kissing the boats as the ripples then drift back out to sea. There are seals and dolphins playing in the distance, it's a unique morning and a very igniting sight indeed. I'm caught between childhood memories of my early moments by the sea, and the hopeful dreams of my own tea shop and boutique someday, with lavender growing next to the front steps and warm arms that will greet me in the morning before the day ever begins. 

The sailboats and fishing trollies begin to leave the docks and head out to begin their days on the smooth waves as the sun begins to Caress the Pacific with her smile.
The best recommendation is a two-day ticket to the aquarium because You are certain to miss something on the 1st day.

Day 3 and 4:

Day 3, I spent the day seaside, I gathered a jar of sand for my beach collection, and seashells and sea glass, my gifts from mother ocean...she was kind today. The sun has shown most of the day and the sea air made me feel free. The freedom I don't always feel. I walked around the city and took photographs to preserve my memories of this beautiful seaside town. I would live here in an instant. I love California, I always have. 

Day 4:
My adventure today has been postponed, but not erased...strike that, It ended up canceled due to weather. Bummer...for next time instead, positive thoughts!!!! I would have been kayaking on the ocean, my greatest love. I would see the coastline as sailors do and enjoy the wildlife. 


I hear Louis Armstrong sing "What a wonderful world" from a speaker near the wharf. What a perfect song for this perfect morning. I have love in my life today, and it is wonderful to know it's there. I can't wait for what life will bring us.

Melissa "KITTY" Williams, thank you.

I met Kitty in March of 1995, at a youth group for unique and fun people...our little joke. I had a minor crush on the girl she was dating and an even bigger one on our counselor. She and I didn't hit it off as friends right off the bat, ironically enough because we both had the hots for each other at the time...though nothing ever came of that. It took us almost a year to become fast friends but once we were, we were hard to split up. We would take my convertible for long distance rides up into the mountains and then go create a discombobulation at our favorite local coffee shop on the corner of Boulder Street and Tejon in downtown Colorado Springs.
Kitty once drove around Manitou Springs with me for hours trying to help me find my teenage crushs' house so that I could leave roses for Valentine's from a secret admirer. Though my crush already knew I dug her. Lol. In hindsight that was pretty creepy. Lol...but I was trying to be romantic... in some awkward shy teenage way...Ha ha... Kitty got a kick over giving me a hard time concerning this particular matter...FOR YEARS. Lol

Kitty and I became roommates for about two years and that was about as awkward as it could get for us. I was dating someone, she was too and we only had one bed in the house. She and I used to put music on and dance around late at night in barely there shorts and tank tops and just try to see what sort of trouble we could get into around downtown. My apartment at the time was barely a one-room apartment and in keeping with tradition, we thought it would be a good idea to adopt a dog together one day. We went to the local pound and got a huge bridle mutt mix. We named him Titan. We were horrible pet parents at the time and one day we took him with us to get tattoos and he ate the roof of my Miata. Outside of frustrated because it was winter, we actually laughed the roof incident off and went for a drive to Denver to do Rocky Horror Picture show together. We figured since the roof was basically gone, we might as well put the top down and enjoy the snowy drive to Denver in proper Colorado style. Eventually, we have Titan to the neighbors next door and down the alley from us.

Kitty was never short on laughter and bad ideas that made the world a little better for those around her. I know I never had time with her where we weren't smiling and laughing. The girl was funny!

*(I will have to come back for fillers here...I keep losing track and start crying...) sorry if this jumps around a bit, it's a work in progress.*


I found out a few days ago that she passed away. I still don't think it has hit full force because how can one reconcile the death of one of the greatest friends you ever had?
I was on a cruise ship when I got the news, and now I am on an airplane about to fly into Denver, where just a week ago Kitty was still with us, fighting the good fight and being her witty self. Kitty told me once when we were much younger and full of vibrancy that she didn't think she was long for this world, so she planned to live it up, every minute, and boy did she. She could be a bit of a wild card and neither of us was always easy to be around but I wouldn't have traded this friendship for anything. She touched so many lives and brought so much excitement, charm, and rambunctiousness to those lives that the loss of her seems too overwhelming. How could she really be gone, and so soon?
I honestly started to believe Kitty was invincible, like a superhero. She was my superhero more than once. Honestly, sitting here trying to write this minor eulogy about someone I loved so dearly is extremely hard, because how can one touch on all the moments shared...all the secrets are spoken and magic that was there in our friendship. How can you really put to simple words the magnitude of what one person did in a lifetime, and how much they meant to all those around them, how much she meant to me. How do you even begin? There are those that knew her better than I, and some who just barely got a glimpse of her wonder, but there was something incredible about Kitty, something infectious that pulled people to her like a magnet. She had the voice of an angel and I often mixed up if Kitty was singing or Stevie Nicks was...her talents were insane, she had a knack for comedy and music, a knack for knowing people's drinks and how to make them perfectly. She was one hell of a stylist too...she was both my redeemer and my bringer of bad habits ... and again, I wouldn't trade a single moment of the times we had together.

I can't begin to know the pain her family feels, and I hope that where ever
Kitty is, she knows how much all of us will miss her and how loved she really was.

Thank you Mel, for the life shared girl, and for all the memories. Xoxoxo.

When the Ice is finally broken, and the world starts to be whole again...that's where I find you.

"It's wild when the silence is finally broken. How strange it seemed to hear your voice again, like we had just met and you were a complete stranger. However, the familiarity between us was glaring and the strength it took to just say hello was like acrobatics without a net. I'm glad it happened though. I'm glad the ice was broken and the mirrors shattered. It's been a strange place not having you around...a weird void. Even if it was just for a moment, a fleeting second or two, it was nice to be in the same place as you and it not be a fight , or a fear, just a normal conversation with an old friend."

          Does anyone else ever wonder why rifts begin? Why the distance grows and how it ever started. How can something whole become half with no warning? (No, I am not talking about my personal love life here...to my friends who will wonder...we are grand bananas still...) But seriously, I was sitting back thinking of the people I personally have distanced myself from over the years, or have done so to me, and I realized, in many cases, there is so much I miss of those people being in my world. I don't regret the losses, but I somehow reminisce about the memories of how we were. As a person who lived in her past for far too long, I find it hard to let go, and when I finally did recently, a person from my past popped back in just to say hello. I truly never thought this person would speak to me again, but there it was, a note, on my phone and a quick message saying hey...their version of an I'm sorry too...and it was awesome. Forgiveness happened somehow, somewhere, and without any reason to it. It made me think, why do, as people, go about our days letting go of people we have loved and never even trying to rectify to issues that cause the rifts between us...???? Why do we let go of someone that we made time for once. What brings us all to that place where we feel like the choice is goodbye, never again, instead of trying to find a path through the dark side and find each other again... why do we do what we do?

So that's the philosophical question of the week, lets all discuss shall we??? WHY DO WE DO WHAT WE DO?

For what its worth, and if those eyes ever read this blog, it was pleasure hearing from you again, I'm glad you broke the ice.

"Welcome Back Kotter!"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZzEzDkeHzI

When you fall in love, and the magic ACTUALLY HAPPENS!

They say it shows up when you least expect it to. They say it hits you like a ton of bricks too! They also say that sometimes you can't even stand the person at first, and then suddenly they do something that changes your world forever. They even say that sometimes it sneaks up on you and then there's the one where "You just know it when it shows up." 

I think we found that last one. I think it just showed up and blew us both away, because we both just sort of knew right off the bat that the other one was just right. We have time between us, we have differences and yet, when its just us, and we are just together, nothing is better than time with you.

I look at the world through different eyes again. Not rose tinted, not Disney inspired, but just like a magic lens has made the world shiny and new, and every time you step into the camera view, it's only you I see. It has nothing to do with looks, sex, movements, habits or money...it's the way you make my heart smile, the way you make my soul full, and the way you look back at me when I am looking at you. I look forward to all that the future holds for us; a hope I haven't held in my stone cold heart for many years. You even made me a cuddler again. I love kissing you when you get home from work, and sitting watching TV and Hockey games with you. I love that we can do theatre, live music, or just paperwork together and it is never dull. Thank you for being you and for making me feel grounded and yet in a dream at the same time. You are wonderful and I love loving you babe.

So here's to us Randy, cheers honey, I can't wait to see where we go...

The Social Experiment

THIS IS VULGAR AND RUDE And angry, you've been warned.

                   So, why conform? Why do it? Only dull, conformists do nothing. I am not meant to blend in, nor do I wish to. 

                   I am consumed in anger this day. I did not need this anger, and I plan to write it right out of my system right now!

            

                   So, here we are, chilling at the local IKEA, getting breakfast, and sadly the IKEA has become one of our regular haunts, so much so that some of my friends have started joking that this is our big blue mansion. Now, please note, that when we add up all the receipts of purchases made at this exact IKEA since our homeless reign began 4 months ago, we have spent approximately $680.00 between bedding, storage gear and food. Just make note of that. I KEEP MY DAMN RECIEPTS BITCHES!!!! Challenge me, I dare you, I will take this shit to court! Having been an employee of IKEA, I know some of their dirty secrets and guess what, their treatment of people is very sad. Now, for the most part, my family and I do not LOOK homeless, and unless we state that we are to you, you wouldn't know it. We shower and wear clean clothes, go to work still and take care of our business, its just a great deal more complicated now. But back to the story...

                   IKEA, sells pizza in its smaller café, note this too, with your IKEA card you can buy a large cheese pie for $7, its decent actually, but apparently the people upstairs in the main restaurant are unaware of the fact that IKEA sells pizza. So a few days ago, while I was at work, the managers started harassing my family about having a pizza in the main restaurant and into today as well. I was just buying 4 breakfasts, and coffees and while in line the store manager came over and harassed my family yet again about "having outside food" but when we explained the pizza was from downstairs, in their own café... its like a wall showed up. I just bought us breakfast and they are harassing us. They are stupid because EVERY PURCHASE MADE ON YOUR IKEA CARD IS REGISTERED! so every purchase has a record for up to or longer than 1 full year. They are judging us for being homeless even though we are paying customers. I so tired of being judge by people. FUCK ALL OF YA'LL that think you are better than your fellow brother or sister next to you, if you don't know WHY, WHAT, WHERE AND HOW shit went down then you don't have a right to judge people on their circumstances. It's assholes like you that make people get so low they decide death is better. YOU SHOULD NEVER HIT A PERSON WHEN THEY ARE ALREADY DOWN, fake ass Christians and do gooders….especially when people are trying o get back up, we aren't drug users, we aren't alcoholics, we aren't exactly poor...we just don't have enough to get back into a place yet. I HAD CANCER, WE LOST EVERYTHING. That's the end of the damn story...real simple. 

I AM GONNA GO LISTEN TO HAMILTON AND GET INSPIRED. I need to chill and have a good cuppa.

The place where you begin...a poem of someone

              A random thought, a moment in passing, a dream, a song on the radio, something I see and wish we could share. I  find you are always there. Somewhere in my shadows. Some place beautiful , a world I have painted you into. A stranger with the power of a million stars, and a hundred oceans, you solidify my soul and bring me down to earth. . .all while elevating me to a higher belief. A skyscraper filled with my souls' most inner desires. You are the place where I begin. I feel it every time you are near.

             How strange to have such a feeling when someone else is so near. But what am I to you? You are so brilliant and shocking, so closed off and reflective,  I can't always see where you begin. I can't see what joy is in your soul or where your hopes and laughter come from. I long to wonder into the bless that is you, to walk with your hand in mine again , and to feel your touch, so that I can once again remember the place where I begin.

              But where are you in the mirror? Where is the place you begin? All I see of you is photographs of memories lost in a time where we laughed at passing trains and awkward cities. The mirror broke, then shattered that day you disappeared. That day our music faded. The arenas' glow stained in doubt and sadness. Can you rescue a dying celebration and bring it back to its glory days? I think the place you have gone to, I think there, that is the place where miracles can happen, and now that you are there, I think that that palace you now reside in, that is the place where you now begin.

            'Til we meet again, my dearest friend... I hope you know that you are still where I began.

GOAL!!!!!!

                  Few things can bring a city together the way a sports team can. There is a special power and comradery to sports that can bring out the best and worst out in all of us. Can you imagine if the world could come together the way it does when the Olympics are on? Or if we all treated each other as equals , how we all treat each other when our favorite team wins...we all become one, no longer "them and us", its all of us that won!

                 There is a pride that comes when these strangers take you by the edge of your seat and score one for the good of us all. It is like falling in love with the perfect person, floating on air and living on cloud nine, because its better than a shopping spree or the best hit of your favorite vice...that score is like a sounding trumpet from an angel … it brings us back to life. It overpowers all that has been bad and negative and takes our souls for a journey back to the bright side of the road. 


What a beautiful super power our athletes have.


               They can bring the world closer together, and make us all feel powerful and equal. Strong, and amazing. They give us a story of real life that can be better. They show us we can come from nothing and make a world of difference. It doesn't matter what sport you have an affinity for, or in what venue it may be in. It doesn't matter the team or the reason you are a fan, at the end of a day, an athlete, a team, can make us all feel like we have a solid home. A place of our own and a group that will protect this home we have built. 


            So, for this day, I have a strong "Thank You" to our athletes, and to all those have brought us all inspiration and hope, even in the darkest times. You are all amazing.


                   

                 

The day the fog came down the mountains and into the desert valley

Have you ever spent a few weeks trying to improve your world with an idea and then realise you have destroyed that idea of happiness because you talk too much? I have! Far too often than I care to admit, but at least I know who I am. This has been my last month.  On the 8th of December 2018, I started talking to someone that I really enjoyed talking to, but I feel I may have ruined those chances because I can't seem to ever get out of my own head. My demons rear their heads and my insecurities break me down, no matter how hard I try to stave them off. So this leads me into my current day...

After a night of prolific texting on an ancient cell phone, I have decided to not talk at all. It's been like walking into a fog. Then this morning broke upon me and the irony in it stole my eyes to the hills. The clouds were touching to desert floor, rolling down from Mt. Charleston and across the painted hills of Red Rocks Canyon, until the misty pillows of grey and white cotton tapped into the Las Vegas lights.

Now, I don't know if you have seen this phenomenon with your own eyes, but it's actually very rare to see fog in the desert. Rain happens, strikingly, very often, but fog normally only happens high in the hills, not often in the valley. As the world begins to warm up and the sun shines down beams of glistening heat in patches throughout the city, the darkness of the nights'  fog begins to lift back up to the abyss of the sea above us. The rains still tap dancing along the outer canyons , after having washed this Sin City of its sins so we can all start anew. A brand new day dawns and the city seems a bit more empty again today.

But, as I have so many times before, and with the inner strength of a hundred Native American women who have struggled with the world before me, I will take my gypsy soul for a new ride, and keep my open heart wide open and my eyes set on the bigger goals, like My Gramercy Goal, or getting back into the sports world, I was most proud of my accomplishments when I worked within the Olympics Training Center, and one never really knows when fortune will smile. More often than not, fortune smiles down on you when you least expect it to, so maybe today will be that day, the day when the sun beams down on me and mine.


           STAY POSITIVE, STAY FOCUSED
                 ALL THINGS WILL WORK OUT IN THE END, AT LEAST THATS WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY.

When the Monsters rear the heads and cast their shadows

We all have them, the demons and ghosts in the closet. Sometimes they call to you in the night and tear at your dreams and your hopes. Sometimes they sneak in, in ways you never knew they could. Those dangerous creatures can cause you to outcry in pain, or to retreat in terror. They can cause you to make bad decisions or they can teach you a valuable lesson. 

Have you ever stopped and just walked up to your monsters and asked them "WHY? Why do you torture me, how do I get you to work on my behalf and make me better, instead of causing me to break myself down?"

I can honestly tell you, my demons are vast. They can stretch to my toddler years if I were to allow them to. Here's the thing...I have had long discussions with my dark souls, they have given me many sleepless nights, but many of them have given me the answers I longed for, when asked, they whisper from their darkness, "Girl, we know your secrets, your torments, you will not win all the things you wish for, but because you have asked these questions of us, we will give you the chance to be free of the pain we have caused you in the past...but you must know, we are always hiding behind you, and sometimes we will make you feel unsure, scared, or cause to question yourself... but you are free to let us go, since you have confronted us." 

The problem is, sometimes you become so used to those monsters that you almost miss them when they have left you. No matter how hard one may try to dissolve their past in lye , not all demons die, they just go hide somewhere else. 

So then one must ask, "How do I trust again? How do I stay silent when I wish to be loud? How do I make it right, when so much water has passed through the destruction that once was my bridge to the stars? How do I make the changes needed in order to gain that which I see as perfect? 

Do you know what? My ghosts tell me again, "because we are never gone, just inactive, we have given you all you will ever need to make the right choices, you just need the eyes to see which path to follow. For all the bad we have placed in your soul, we have placed just as much light. You just need to feel around until you find the light switch and when you find that switch, your eyes will be blinded by all that you hope for. 

We will give you all the tools you need to rebuild...just keep following your hands along the walls in your dark rooms, and when you find the switch, flip it on, and the world will be yours again. For ghosts cant be seen in the light, demons can't live there either, and everyone knows monsters hate the daylight. Stay strong, stay vigilant, and listen to your ghosts, because sometimes they will help you. Have faith in you."

In Collaboration

It's a funny thing when you try to write about yourself, it's a challenge. One often wants to see themselves one way and hates the reality of who they really are in the eyes of others, let alone the person in the mirror. So recently my dear friend Phil stepped in to be my antics writer, and to be fair, there are very few out in this world that know me as well as this guy, so who better to tell my stories, slightly more exaggerated than reality but in a fashion that certainly will tell my stories for the world to be entertained by. I have one of the wildest and most fulfilled lives. NO REGRETS, no matter rough it has gotten, especially recently. 

I have always gone down the road less travelled and if someone started the story off with "This may be a bad idea", well, I was always in. 

"Skydiving??? I'm gonna pee my pants, and probably cry, but okay, let's go flying!"

I tend to get myself into some strange situations on a regular basis, and I tend to get myself into trouble as often as possible. Not always for the wrong reasons. I do not and never will fear change. In fact I seek it like a gypsy soul travelling through time. 

Much like my Chinese Zodiac sign The Goat {Ram}, which directly states I often get off on the wrong foot with people, I tend to suffer foot in mouth issues on a regular interval ... but those that stick around will find, I am a loyal and loving soul who will never fail you. 

I do not always go about things in the common sense way, or even more rarely, the grounded in reality way, but I will always get the job done, and much like my Sisters in Xanadu, I am a MUSE, and I will show you the magic of the world. I hold a great deal of it in my heart. I radiate effectiveness when at my best and can concur ANY challenge I decide to set forth upon. 

Now, that being said, I do tend to travel rough and rugged roads to get places, but I like to stand out and be seen for what I am grand at. I think it is better to see the world as a child does, than as an adult. Adults too often forget to just stop and look at the world. Life gets in the way. 

With my current circumstance, being homeless and on an extremely high level of emotional overload, have often found myself in this exact issue. I think too much, too often and am being stuck in the adult world too long. Sometimes you just need to jump on the trampoline and get shit out of your system. 

One thing I have noticed and has brought extreme levels of serenity to me, even in these cold homeless days have been the sunrise. The sunrise in the dessert is something to truly be enjoyed over a cup of tea, and to just sit back and enjoy. It is easy to forget the world when you are watching hot air balloons rising into the early morning skies over Red Rock Canyon or Mt. Charleston. The sun highlighting all the deep levels and hues, and the brilliant designs in the rocks , as the canyon slowly unveils itself to the sun, the majestic balloons of multiple rainbows towering in the sky with no worries to be heard. As the stillness of the city is barely waking with slow growing blankets of business goers and casino workers as they scurry to and from their perspective locales.

 Life is easy in the mornings, when the world just starts to rise here.

(Like most writers, I have lost my train of thought...I will come back to this one someday and continue this rhetoric, but until then, I hope those that do read this, should maybe take a moment themselves, to just go outside, no matter the weather, and just be silent , listen to the wind, smell the outdoors, hear the sounds that surround you...its beautiful out there.)